Faster
by Mac-alicious
Summary: She had them both...but she couldn't keep them both. She had a choice to make.
1. Sam

A/N: This is my newest LWD, fic. It's in Casey's POV. Uh, the first two chapters are going to be pretty short because they're kind of like a bit of a prologue in two parts. Well, I've been working on an idea for a sequel to my fic 'Mistakes We Knew We Were Making' which I got fabulous feedback for (thanks a bunch all of ya'll) and it should follow soon. The title is going to be 'Broken Pieces', so look for it! R & R! Thanks! -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter One**

**Sam**

Sam, my boyfriend. He's great. Wonderful, really. At least I think he's great. I can see why anyone would think differently, though. He's got so many endearing qualities.

He's painfully adorable. His smile spans from ear to ear and I think it's so cute. When he smiles that wide, dimpled smile, I understand why some people have the urge to pinch someone's cheeks. It's _so_ cute.

He's _the_ absolute sweetest guy you could ever meet. He's the perfect gentleman. Always opening doors for me. Always pulling my chair out for me. Everything a girl wishes a guy would do for her, he did for me. He is so respectful to everyone he meets. He is the only sensitive guy I know. He's not concerned what other people think about him--which is kind of ironic because most people think highly of him.

We fit together well. At least I think so. We agreed on practically everything when we first started dating. Now, after months of being together, we do agree on _everything_. If that isn't a sign of a good relationship I don't know what is.

We never fight, ever. I don't think we've ever had a reason to. Neither of us are argumentative, by nature. It's just not in our character. I am comfortable with him because I can be myself without fearing judgement--or rejection. He accepts me in every way. It's an easy relationship. I don't worry he's going to leave me, because he cares about me. He's loyal to the people he cares about. We don't have any of those typical relationship problems that so many people gripe about. It's nice. I'm grateful. I can enjoy being in a relationship without all the stress.

We can do anything together and we usually do most of the time. It's very easy to spend time together. We don't argue over what we're going to do. Those kind of decisions are just simple for us. He isn't the insecure guy who can't be seen shopping with his girlfriend. I go to his hockey games, cheer him on. We have our everyday routine and it just flows.

We've been dating for awhile now, and I'm thankful that I didn't let Derek scare him off. I care about him. _A lot_. I do, I do care about him. He's a great guy. In essence, he's the perfect guy for me. That's why I'm dating him.

He's so wonderful. It's amazing how good of a guy he can be. He treats me great. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I don't deserve him.

I'm sure a lot of people say that, without really meaning it. I really mean it. I am a horrible person. A truely horrible person. I have been lying to him. And I can't seem to find a way to stop.


	2. Derek

A/N: This is the second chapter. Again, this is kind of the second part of a two part prologue like thing. Anyways. I'm still working on an opening for 'Broken Pieces' which I mentioned in my note of the last chapter. Uh, anyway. Read & Review! Thanks. -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Two**

**Derek**

Derek, my secret. He's hot. He's gorgeous. He's dripping with excess sex appeal. He's a ladies' man, a player, the kind of guy that uses girls as objects. But for some reason, I'm still with him--behind Sam's back.

He's got a smile that can make you melt, literally melt, at his feet. But that's his smile--not his trademark smirk. The smirk is a totally different story entirely. His smirk can make me tremble inside. It makes me think about the things I _know_ he's thinking.

We have this undeniable chemistry between us. It's just there, this overwhelming presence. He has asked me how I know he's in the room before I see or hear him. I just feel it--I feel him--and I know he's there. It's this tension that surrounds me whenever he is near me. It's this heightened sense tuned in to detect his presence. I can feel his touch before he touches me. Hear his voice without him speaking. See his face without looking at him.

Sometimes it scares me that I can't do the same with Sam.

Even when we're fighting there's a playfulness to it. Or when we're really going at each other, a passion behind it just waiting to boil over. We've ended more arguments with my back against a wall and his mouth on mine. There's a desperation in everything we do.

Being with him is thrilling. It's exciting. He's an adventure. I never know what's going to happen next when I'm with him. The unpredictability is refreshing. It's invigorating. There are sparks there that I've never felt with Sam. The suspense I feel waiting for his reaction is energizing. Inspiring. Motivational. His presence compels me to do things I never would have done without him--or with Sam. It's something I've never experienced before. He pulls me in, and I can't get away, I can't fight it.

Physically, our "relationship" is off the charts. Way off. Way, way off. I'm attracted to him in a way that's far different from the attraction I have toward Sam. It's based on something completely different. It's just different with Derek. It's a whole other experience. My relationship with Derek is much more physically based than my relationship with Sam ever could be.

It's just a different situation. Different person, different attraction, different experience. Just different.

I fool around with him behind my boyfriend's--his best friend--back. I feel guilty. I feel terrible. I feel like the worst person that has ever lived but I can't stop. It's a dangerous game that I'm playing. But I can't end it. I don't know how to. And I can't bring myself to let go. I can't get myself to do it. I just can't. I can't do it. Can't.


	3. Decisions, Decisions

A/N: So this is chapter three. Uh, it's kind of short, but longer than the first too. I have now decided that all of these chapters are probably going to be short for the beginning half. The first five or so. I think the entire thing will be ten--and they will get longer on the way. Hopefully. Anyway. R&R! Thanks! -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Three**

**Decisions, Decisions**

"I have to go." I whispered against Derek's lips.

We were in our house alone this Saturday night. My mom and George had taken the kids to a movie--G-rated and too childish for Derek and me. Or so we said. We were currently in our livingroom, on our couch. It had started out innocent, like all of our encounters. We were watching TV, but I don't think either of us were focused on it. The next thing I know, I'm on my back with Derek on top of me--making out like crazy. It was amazing as usual, but I had a date with Sam in an hour and I had to get ready.

Derek pulled away so that he was looking me straight in the eyes. "Why?"

"I have a date with Sam." I answered.

Derek immediately sat up and rolled off of me. I sat up as well. He hated talking about Sam--especially when we were well...doing what we had been doing. He said it was because it killed the mood, but I knew better. It upset him. I don't know why. _I _was the one cheating on her boyfriend.

When I was pretty sure Derek wasn't going to say anything else, I stood and headed for the stairs. I didn't have much time to get ready. Then at the last second, as I was about to leave the room, he spoke up.

"You can't have us both Case."

I turned back around so that I could see him. He hadn't moved. He was still sitting on the couch, with his back to me.

"Funny how you're the one who says that." I responded.

He stood up and walked over to me, "_I'm_ the only one who knows you're playing us both."

"I'm not playing..." I started.

"Then what do you call it? Huh?" Derek cut me off. "Unless Sammy boy knows you're sneaking off to see me behind his back."

"No."

"Then what is it, if it's not playing?" Derek asked.

"Cheating." I said.

"Then you've got to choose. You can't go on messing around with both of our heads." Derek replied. "It's not fair to Sam. It's not fair to me. And it's not fair to you."

"Does it even matter to you?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?" Derek responded, a scowl setting in on his face.

"Well does it?" I countered, "You could have another girl in a split second. You don't need _me_. You don't have to have _me_."

"Casey..." Derek started.

"I could choose Sam and it wouldn't make a difference to you. There is no choice to be made." I continued, ignoring that he had spoken.

"Is that really what you think?"

"Yes."

Derek let out a laugh, then stepped closer to me as he spoke, "If it didn't matter to me, do you think I would be wasting my time on _you_? If I could have any other girl--if I wanted any other girl--do you think I would be with _you_? Do you think I would be having this conversation if it didn't matter to me?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't find any words to say. Derek shook his head as made to move past me. As he reached the foot of the stairs he spoke again--this time to the back of my head as I refused to look at him.

"Whether it matters to me or not put aside, either you make a choice or I'll make one for you." Derek said.

"Derek, wait." I replied, turning around. "That's not fair."

"It's about time you figured out what you really want, who you really care about. If you can't do that, then you don't deserve either of us." Derek responded and climbed up the stairs away from me.

I stared after his retreating form. I couldn't help but find the truth in his words. It was a rare thing for Derek to be so absolutely right, but this time he was. I had tried so hard to keep Sam and still have Derek too. I didn't deserve either of them. I _am_ a terrible person.

The fact that I knew I had to make a choice didn't make the choice any easier. What I had with each of them was so good when I had both of them, but could either of them be that good when they stood alone? What I had with each of them was different, and it was hard to base a choice off of two things that were hardly similar. I could choose Sam fro companionship or Derek for chemistry. But which did I want more?

I guess that was what Derek had meant. And it was a good question. It wasn't like I didn't have an idea about what I wanted, I did. The problem was they each gave me something I wanted--but not everything I wanted. I have to give up one thing to have another. How am I supposed to choose when I lose either way? How am I supposed to decide who give me the most when neither of them do? How am I supposed to choose when what I want is both of them? God, I don't know what to do.


	4. Sam II

A/N: Here's chapter four. I know...not a very interesting title, but whatever. Uh, again pretty short. The next chapter is really short, but I'm really hoping I can get six a little longer (if not chapter seven will be really long--hopefully). Uh, R &R! Thanks! -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Four**

**Sam II**

Sam, my boyfriend. He may be the perfect gentleman, the perfect boyfriend, but I'm starting to doubt he's perfect for me. I know I said he was wonderful, and he is. He's a wonderful person. That's what makes it so hard to not choose him.

We don't have much in common at all. We don't have much to talk about. Most of the time I find what he has to talk about boring and vice versa. We've pretty much stopped talking to each other all together. I mean a girl can only talk about hockey for so long.

I had said we agree on everything, and that' s the truth. Except, when I think about it, that's mostly because he'll just agree with what I say. When there is a decision to make, I end up making it while he just follows along. And when I look at it that way, it is definitely not a sign of a good relationship.

He's not very bright, and he's kind of dull. Not my favorite characteristics in a guy. I used to over look them because I really liked him. I don't know if I like him as much anymore. Because those things are starting to really catch my attention now. I'm very aware that he's not as interesting as I had thought he was.

We don't really click anymore. At the very least, not like we did in the beginning. We used to fit so well before, but I'm not sure we do anymore. I think what I wanted began to change from what it was when we first started dating to what it is now. Sam just doesn't fit it correctly anymore.

We have absolutely no chemistry. Our chemistry level was very small when we first started dating, and it's only depleted from there. Now, it's been gone for a long time. Sam has never kissed me in public. I thought it was because he was shy--I don't think that anymore. He rarely shows any kind of affection anymore. Sure I get a small kiss everytime I see him when we're alone, but other than that I don't get a hug, or a peck on the cheek. He won't even hold my hand. Our relationship has this non-personal feel to it.

He seems to depend too much on this relationship. It may not be much of a relationship, but he clings to it. I don't think it even has anything to do with me. I think he feels like he needs to be in a relationship, any relationship. And nobody likes someone who comes off as needy and clingy.

I just feel stuck. We fell into a pattern and never got out of it. We're always doing the same thing--it never changes. I want to get out of the routine we're lost in. Sometimes having a routine is a good thing--but this one is getting old.

I want something different, that's what I want. I want something new, fresh, just different. I want something different than the same old thing.


	5. Derek II

A/N: Here is the really, really short chapter five. Enjoy! R &R! Thanks! -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Five**

**Derek II**

Derek, my secret. That's the whole problem, we have to keep it secret. He's my step-brother, the whole thing is just wrong. My mom and George would not approve if they knew. Actually, they would probably freak out if they knew. Then there's the fact that I'm dating his best friend. I shouldn't be with him in the first place.

He's a complete jackass. He has no idea how to treat people right. He's immature. He's rude. He has no manners. He has this annoying way of expecting everything to be done for him. He's pestering. He likes to press people's buttons. He has an uncanny ability to get on everyone's nerves--mine especially. He does it for fun. It drives me crazy.

He's a player, a seducer, a user. He can go through girls so quickly you can't tell where one relationship ends and another one begins. It's demeaning. It's wrong. I get the whole bad boy attitude, but how many hearts do you have to break before you grow up? I refuse to be just another check on his list of conquests. I want something real.

I know that as soon as he's bored with me, I'll be discarded and he'll be on to somebody else. He has a short attention span when it comes to anything but with girls I've got to say it's considerably shorter than normal. That's just who Derek is. I don't expect him to ever want to commit to anything--and he probably never will. I couldn't live like that, with that.

We are so different. We shouldn't even be compatible. We have different interests, different likes and dislikes, different everything. There are a few things we have in common--more than Sam and I have--but not enough to hold us together. Our differences would wind up tearing us apart. We would never be able to last long term.

And so far, the depth of our "relationship" was based on our physical attraction. It didn't go any deeper than that. I don't want to be in just a physical relationship. I wouldn't stand for it. I want more than that. It's not enough for me.


	6. Break His Heart?

A/N: I know it's been a long time, really long time...since I updated anything except for the new stories. Anyway, I have this entire story done, I just haven't gotten around to typing it up and posting it...So this is short...I think all the chapters are, but it's here...(hope to get the rest out soon). So enjoy. R&R! Thanks! -Mac

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Six**

**Break His Heart?**

I broke up with Sam today. It was probably the worst experience I've ever been through. It was so hard to let him go like that. But I couldn't stay with him after I realized all the things, I had gotten into the relationship for, were gone. I had feeling this was really going to hurt him, but I would rather have him be upset for awhile than to pursue an empty relationship. That wouldn't be fair to either of us.

I just couldn't lie to him anymore. While I didn't tell him anything about Derek and me--and I never will--it couldn't go on the way it was. I wasn't truthful with him. I wasn't faithful. I wasn't loyal. He's a good guy, he deserves better than that. He deserves better than me. I tried to explain that to him. But it was hard to convince Sam of that without telling him exactly what my indiscretions were. He said he was positive I was _the _perfect girl for him. If only he knew.

I doubt he really meant that. I think he was saying anything he could to keep me--short of I love you, which I wouldn't have believed anyway. He didn't love me, and I didn't love him. That was obvious enough. Trying to force ourselves to believe that we did would be foolish. Sure, we could still be in a relationship, but what kind of relationship would it really be?

I just want him to be able to have a decent relationship. He has his imperfections just like everyone else. But he didn't deserve to be cheated on and lied to. He should be able to find someone good for him. I had to give him that chance. I was holding him back, just as much as he was holding me back. Now, we get to be free for awhile.

It wasn't all about him either. It was a little about me. So I'm not completely selfless as I might have made myself out to be earlier. I just want something--something that's a little indescribable--and Sam is not it. Just as keeping him in this relationship is unfair to him, it's not all that fair to me either. I can't be with him anymore. What we had in the beginning isn't there anymore. It just took me this long to actually realize it.

But did I break his heart? I don't think so. I don't think I did. Sure he's hurting a bit, he's upset--and he as every right to be. I think he's just at a loss at why it's happening _now_. He was comfortable and I pulled his chair right out from under him. Now he has to get up and work to get someone new. It's not so much that he's broken because _I_ "dumped" him, but because he got "dumped." I said it--he just wants to be in a relationship. And now he's not. That's going to contribute to his hurt feelings.

I don't doubt Sam will be able to find someone else. He could be--he has the potential to be--the ideal, perfect guy. He just wasn't _mine_.

He'll be able to get over this easily. At least that's what I hope. He'll be fine. I on the other hand...I broke up with Sam yes, but that didn't mean I had chosen Derek.


	7. Explain It To Me Then

A/N: Ha! I got a second chapter out...Anyway, here's seven. I'm working on getting the rest out soon...Enjoy. R&R! Thanks. -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Seven**

**Explain It To Me Then**

I was sitting at my computer when Derek burst into my room. I figured he would show up eventually. I barely acknowledged his presence. I didn't even flinch when my door banged open against my wall. It was coming I knew, it just depended on how long it took for him to find out from Sam that we had broken up.

"Hey, Case." Derek said as he came further into my room after closing my door.

I spun my chair around so I could see him. "Derek."

"So...Sam told me you broke up with him." Derek replied almost casually--as if it was just news. "He was sort of torn up about it, but I think he'll be okay."

"I hope so." I responded simply. I knew where this was going--and I didn't really want to go.

"So..." Derek repeated. "Does that mean..."

I couldn't listen to the words. I cut him off, "No."

Derek frowned, as he thought for a moment, "Casey, I don't understand."

"Derek, I broke up with Sam because we weren't working out. It was obvious we weren't working out." I started my explanation, hoping he would get it without me actually having to say it out loud.

"I still don't get it." Derek responded.

"I broke up with Sam, but I didn't break up with him to be with you." I finished.

"So what? You play us both and then as soon as you are faced with a hard decision, you run from _both _of us?" Derek questioned.

"It's not like that!" I exclaimed as I stood from my chair.

"Are you that incapable of making a decision?" Derek continued, ignoring that I had even spoken. "Or is it that you thought that because we couldn't except that you wanted both of us, neither of us were good enough for you?"

"It's not like that." I repeated more firmly.

"Explain it to me then." Derek replied, folding his arms across his chest as he looked at me expectantly.

"Derek..."

"Explain it to me Casey. Since I can't seem to grasp why you're being such a..."

"Derek!" I cut him off.

"Look, I'm _obviously_ not getting it. So explain it to me." Derek said, not finishing his previous sentence. "I think you at least owe me that."

"You said it was time for me to figure out what I wanted. And I thought about it. What I had with Sam wasn't what I wanted. I had to end things with him." I spoke quiet, my voice kind of shaky as I tried to explain my choices.

"Okay." Derek nodded me on. "But what about me?"

"I don't want a relationship...I don't want to be in a relationship based only on physical satisfaction. And that's all _we_ are!" I continued. "I want more than that."

I saw the shock cross Derek's face as I finished. He wasn't expecting my explanation. He wasn't expecting _that_ explanation. Or he didn't like that I had blamed him. Either way, he was surprised.

Derek shook his head, stalking up to me. I could see every detail of his face up close--he was just inches away from me. He was right in my face when he spat out, "You never gave me a chance to make it anything more than that!"

He shook his head again before stepping back. Without another word, he turned and walked out of my room. He slammed the door shut after him. The motion vibrated through me. This time I jumped when the door banged closed. I winced at the sound it made, a gasp escaping my lips. I shuddered as I turned away.

I couldn't shake the single thought that stuck in my mind. What had I done?

A/N2: So, I haven't been getting emails for alerts and stuff, so I figure everyone else hasn't either...If you're on my alerts list for this story or me as an author (and you're not getting them)...and you'd like to get them personally from me in the meantime (cause I'm probably going to be getting a bunch done soon) just email me at the address that's on the site (you know the little highlighted word **email**). It should give you my personal email address and if you send me yours I'll personally send you an email update sort of thing...Anyway...Review!! You know I'd love you for it..Thanks again! -Mac


	8. The Wrong Move

A/N: I feel better now that I'm getting these out quicker. So here's Eight...only two more to go. Sorry they're so short that's just how they're coming out...Anyway, Enjoy. R&R! Thank you. -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Eight**

**The Wrong Move**

_God, I have to fix this, _was the only thought that crossed my mind as I approached Derek's door. I didn't know how to fix it, but I had to try. I took a deep breath, and I raised my hand to know on the door.

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Derek avoided me the rest of the night after our little conversation. He had good reason to. I couldn't shake the feeling that I made a mistake somehow. The look in his eyes right before he walked out was burned into my memory. I was starting to hate that look. I feel terrible that I caused that look.

At dinner, it was the first time I had seen him since we spoke, he wouldn't even look my way. Everytime I looked up at him, he turned his head or averted his eyes. They darted away from me as he turned to talk to Edwin next to him. When he wasn't looking at anyone at the table but me, he stared down at his plate like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

He didn't speak a word to me through the whole meal. He spoke to everyone around me, but not me. He completely ignored my existence. I wasn't even there to him. I tried to talk to him, but everytime I opened my mouth to speak Derek would cut me off and start talking to someone else. I couldn't get a word out all through dinner. He wouldn't let me.

He asked to be excused from the table early, after only picking at his plate. Both George and my mom looked surprised. Not only did he show some kind of manners, he had barely eaten as well. Derek never _didn't_ eat. But they let him go. I guess they figured they would find out eventually if it was important.

He just stood quietly and pushed in his chair. It was just before he walked out that he finally looked at me. The look in his eyes as he walked away forced a lump into my throat. It was almost heartbreaking. It made me want to just burst into tears.

I had hurt him. I had really hurt him. I could see it in his eyes in that moment. It was written all over his face. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want him to hurt at all. But he was hurting and I didn't know how to make it stop.

I was quiet through the rest of dinner. I silently contemplated what I could do to make up for what I had done. If that was even possible. I finished eating and immediately excused myself. I was relieved that it wasn't my turn to do the dishes. I had to this now--right away. I was desperate to set things right.

I just wanted things to be back to normal.

I strode toward Derek's door. I had, what I hoped was, a calm expression on my face--even though I felt twisted and anxious inside. My stomach tied itself into knots, twisting and tumbling. I was barely breathing, holding it as I nervously prepared myself for what I was about to do.

I had to fix this, I knew that much. My raised hand connected with the wood of his door, emmitting a soft tap with each strike. I stopped my movement and let my hand fall back to my side. I waited. I waited for him to answer or not answer, I didn't know which was most likely. I waited, listening to my heart pound in my ears. Again, my breath was caught, trapped behind my lips. Then I heard it.

"Come in."

I let out my breath in one quick rush as I reached out and turned the knob...

A/N2: So, I haven't been getting emails for alerts and stuff, so I figure everyone else hasn't either...If you're on my alerts list for this story or me as an author (and you're not getting them)...and you'd like to get them personally from me in the meantime (cause I'm probably going to be getting a bunch done soon) just email me at the address that's on the site (you know the little highlighted word **email**). It should give you my personal email address and if you send me yours I'll personally send you an email update sort of thing...Anyway...Review!! You know I'd love you for it..Thanks again! -Mac


	9. I Am Not Your Excuse

A/N: I feel better now that I'm getting these out quicker. This is chapter nine. Only one left!!! Almost complete!!! Okay, I'm just venting. (I'm excited for myself!)...hehe. Okay, Enjoy. R&R! Thanks. -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Nine**

**I Am Not Your Excuse**

I pulled the door open slowly and slipped through. I pushed the door closed gently behind me. Derek was sitting up on his bed, his back leaning against the head of it. He glanced my way for a second and then turned away.

"Do you want something?" Derek asked not looking at me in the slightest.

I took a couple of steps further into the room as I thought about what I was going to say. I guess I stood there for a long time without saying anything because Derek was prompted to glance in my direction again. He rolled his eyes and grumbled a little.

"Well?"

I let out a sigh, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Yet, you did." Derek responded.

"I didn't think you cared enough about me for it to hurt you." I said.

"Guess you were wrong then."

"I just kept thinking about it over and over in my head and neither of you fit. Both of you seemed so wrong for me. I did what I thought was right. I didn't think it mattered to you if you were with me or not." I was rambling but I didn't care. I had to get it out. He had to hear me out. He had to hear this _now_.

"Don't. Don't do that." Derek exclaimed, throwing his legs over the side of his bed and glaring at me. He stood and began walking toward me. "If you don't want to be with me, just _say_ it! I could handle it if you would just tell me that straight out. But don't you dare tell _me_ that I don't want to be with you. Don't act like you know what I want. Don't act like you can see into my head. You have no right to use me as an excuse."

"Do you want to be with me?" I asked quietly. My gaze had turned toward the ground when he began his attack.

"Well, Case..." Derek replied, his tone slightly angry. "I thought I was, up until three hours ago."

"I just thought..." I began but Derek cut me off.

"Look Casey, if anyone wanted to keep our relationship at only a physical level, it was you."

"Why would I do that?" I questioned, shocked that he had accused _me_ of such a thing.

"I don't know Casey, why don't you tell me?" Derek responded. "The only thing I could think of is you had Sam. You had Sam for all the lovey-mushy stuff. You had Sam to take care of you and make you feel loved. You were probably afraid to let it be more than that, because it was me and Sam was still there. It was probably the only reason this whole thing between us started. Because you wanted more than Sam gave you. Because he doesn't kiss you, he doesn't touch you, he doesn't make you _feel_. That's why you came to me. Why you let this happen. Because Sam didn't give you enough. But _I_ wanted all of you. I got whatever you would give me. _You _wouldn't let me have anymore. I took whatever you were willing to give me. But what we had was never what _I_ wanted."

I stood completely still as I took in everyword. I didn't make a sound. I couldn't even look at him. I could feel that he had moved closer. Close enough to touch. But I didn't look up to find out just how close he was.

"You never gave me a choice." Derek continued when I didn't take the opportunity he gave me to speak. "I never had a say. What we had was left entirely up to you. Of course I played along. How could I not? But that doesn't mean I wanted it to be the way it was. Don't make it out like I wanted it this way. Don't do it. Don't act like you're completely innocent in this. Don't blame _me_ for this."

A/N2: I have Chapter Ten all ready to go, but I'm not going to post it until I get some reviews...hehe...So Review!!!

So, I haven't been getting emails for alerts and stuff, so I figure everyone else hasn't either...If you're on my alerts list for this story or me as an author (and you're not getting them)...and you'd like to get them personally from me in the meantime (cause I'm probably going to be getting a bunch done soon) just email me at the address that's on the site (you know the little highlighted word **email**). It should give you my personal email address and if you send me yours I'll personally send you an email update sort of thing...Anyway...Review!! Thanks again! -Mac


	10. This Is My Heart Beating Faster

A/N: This is the last chapter! All done! Finito! End! Yay!! I completed another story. I'm excited for myself. Hope you're excited too! Anyway, I don't got much to say...except...Read & Review, Review, Review!!!! I want to know what you guys thought. Thanks for reading. -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

**Chapter Ten**

**This Is My Heart Beating Faster**

I was frozen. I couldn't move. Derek hadn't moved either. He still stood mere inches away from me. Silence had filled the room after Derek's last comment. I didn't know how to reply to it. I couldn't help but find some truth in his words, but it was hard to believe _I_ could be that selfish and insensitive. That isn't who I am, it was more like Derek than me. Still, I had to accept it. I had done exactly as he said I did. And that wasn't his fault. It was mine.

"I can't blame this is on you, can I?" I spoke softly, shattering the silence.

"No, you can't." Derek said quietly as well. I opened my mouth to reply, but Derek cut me off to add to his last words. "If anything, I care about you more than you care about me."

"That's not true!" I exclaimed as my eyes shot up to meet his.

"It isn't?" Derek responded matter-of-factly.

"No." I shook my head. "I care about you."

"If you care about me, then why don't you want to be with me?" Derek questioned, searching my eyes for the answer.

"It's not that I don't want to be with you." I said.

"Then what is it?" Derek prodded. "Why can't you just be with me?"

"It's just...that I'm afraid."

"What's there to be afraid of, Case?"

"Everything!" I said forcefully. "I'm afraid that even though I want to be with you so badly, you don't want to be with me the same way I want to be with you. I'm afraid that even when we can be together that we won't be able to make it work. I'm afraid that I'm opening myself up too much to you, and that I might make it too easy for you to hurt me."

"Casey, I want you. I want _all_ of you. I could never hurt you. We could make this work, I know it. I love you, can't you see that?" Derek responded.

"You_ love_ me?" I replied, my eyes wide as my brain registered what he had said.

"Yes. God, Casey...I love you so much." Derek sighed. "I knew I was falling for you the first minute we got together. I thought it was too good to be true that someone like you would want someone like _me_. Then I realized that you didn't really want me. You wanted what I could give you that Sam couldn't. It hurt, finding that out. But I didn't let go of you, because I knew it would hurt a lot worse to not have you."

"Derek, I..." I started.

"Casey, please." Derek interrupted me. "Just say it. Just say that you don't want to be with me. I love you, I do. But you need to say it, so I can get over it. So I can get past this and move on. Please, Casey, just say it. I can't run circles around it anymore."

"Derek, I don't..." I began, then paused, looking him straight in the eyes. "I don't want to say it."

"What?" Derek asked. "Why not? Casey, you can't keep me holding on like this."

"I can't say it." I responed. "I can't say it if I don't mean it."

"What do you mean you don't mean it?"

"I want to be with you, Derek." I smiled. "I want a real relationship with you. If you're open to it, I'm willing to try."

"Do you really mean that Casey?" Derek asked, his voice low. I could see the doubt and insecurity reflected in his eyes.

"Yes. I mean it." I nodded, and I made to continue but I was cut off.

Derek had closed the distance between us and had his arms wrapped around me. He pulled me close to him. And though it was probably the millionth time he had done this, it felt like the first. I melted into him and let out a sigh just before his lips met mine.

Once we pulled apart, Derek stuck close to me. He rested his forehead against mine. His nose brushed mine as he moved to press a kiss to my cheek, and another right below my ear. When he spoke his breath tickled my skin.

"So, what were you saying?"

"I..." I began, then laughed lightly. "I can't remember."

Derek paused for just a moment, "I love you Case."

I looked into his eyes and knew I meant the words that left my lips next. "I love you too, Derek."

Derek smiled--that I-could-absolutely-melt smile--and I was sure I had made the right choice. It didn't matter how wrong he was for me, it was right. It didn't matter how hard it might be, we would do it because it was all we knew. All we had. It was right not because of how it looked on paper, but because of how we felt. As Derek kissed me again, I was positive--absolutely positive--I had chosen the right one.

**THE END**

A/N2: So, I haven't been getting emails for alerts and stuff, so I figure everyone else hasn't either...If you're on my alerts list for this story or me as an author (and you're not getting them)...and you'd like to get them personally from me in the meantime (cause I'm probably going to be getting a bunch done soon) just email me at the address that's on the site (you know the little highlighted word **email**). It should give you my personal email address and if you send me yours I'll personally send you an email update sort of thing...Anyway...Review!! You know I'd love you for it..Thanks again! -Mac


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